August 20, 2011

i got words to say...



back then , when i was good and you were happy about it, i thought it was enough to make me happy. but, as much as i think about it now, i'm a lot happier today. i was hoping, by making you happy, i will be happy, well i am happy to see you happy. but that one moment, when you don't even listened to my explanation, and make me feel so humiliated in front of so many people, i almost hated you for doing that. so far, it was the worst day in my life, a memory that i want to dismiss.out of every thing you said to me, i know that you love me, even if it was painful to bear, until that one particular night. i feel betrayed, i was there to hear what my brother want to say to me. i'm not trying to make things worst. but you, all of you, who said that you were a grown adults, make a fuss over such things. i don't even know i could hold such grudge until this moment. it was a mere hours from my biggest achievement so far, and i had to receive the punishment to things i didn't even do. back then, for a fifteen years old, for a fifteen years old sister who actually want to be there for her brother, you all made me a fool. maybe nobody remembers it now, but i do. i still remember it, almost every time i feel bad about my life.
i realize, it might be a way to say you love us, to teach us to be good and matured. but out of all scoldings i ever received my entire life, that one day, i really can't accept it. because it really wasn't my fault.you can say i'm hot headed, but i really feel like a fool that day. i never thought, for such a day fit for celebration, you make me remember it till now.and i guess, it actually the main reason i turned out to be so rebellious nowadays. because that one particular day. maybe, i need to grow more. try to be understanding, maybe today, i already forgive what you guys did, but the memory already stained. i don't want to remember it but i always do.
i agree that i might be less of an achiever nowadays, but i'm trying hard. do you really think i dont care? i just dont show it. if you were dissapointed, i am too, a billion times more. because it hurts to see you so dissapointed in me,it hurts so much that my lung feels like it's going to explode. but my heart really don't want to give in. everytime this kind of conversation happen, i always remember that day.
that horrible memory of mine. 

but still i'm much more lucky than the other millions
so i keep this here. a small place where i put my heart for safekeeping

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