Thinker Belle

As thoughts grow in time

I always feel bad when~

      You know, I feel bad talking bad about people. But sometimes, I feel that I need to talk bad about people so that I won't feel as bad when people talk bad about me. Sometimes, I wonder after all nice stuffs I've done for them, and usually I don't really ask for anything in return, why does people always make me feel bad? 

      I don't think this just happen to me. I might have done the same things to others without me realizing it. But I always tried not to hurt anybody. A single word or even gesture could break someone heart, and people around us don't necessarily think like we always do.

      When talking about trying to make people happy, there is one fact that no one could cast aside. That is , no matter how hard you try, you won't get to satisfy everyone. Life is just like that. It sucks in many ways, but there will always be some beautiful  moments, hidden behind every hardship we face.

      One biggest challenge in my life so far is trying to think positive all the time. I can't stop myself from doubting the people around me. Thinking stuffs like "Do they actually like me?" or "Maybe they hate me?" 


      I am paranoid. Most of the time. I just can't take the fact that I'm being hated by anyone. If you ask me, among all of the things in the world, what is the one thing that I could not handle as well as the others? It's not bad grades, sickness, or even having a financial problem. The one thing that I'm not capable of handling is the fact that somebody hates me or angry at me. It kills me.

     I can handle being scolded but not being hated. I hate it when people ignore me. Even if they are having a bad day, or bad mood. I think it's rude to blame the others for it. I hate when I'm trying to ask something , and someone is having a bad mood, I'll be the one who need to handle that. I mean, I could try to be a little understanding and leave that person alone but is it necessary to 'bark' at me? So not cool.

     The problem is, even people do that to me , I will never and ever get the courage to do the same to other people. This is the point when I start to get sick and stressed out because of other people. What sucks is, that particular person doesn't even realize that I'm stressed out because of him or her.

     Sometimes, there are days when I really hope that I could be 'less nicer'. But I just can't. Take it or leave it. This is just me.


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