February 28, 2011

I can't find it

I am envious of those who had found their passion, what they want in life, their target and their goals. People keep telling me that it will come to you someday, it'll be either fast or late.

But what should I do if I find it out too late?
For example, my life now. It seems like I am going with the flow. I can't  even picture my future self.
The problem started during SPM days,since I can't find my goal, I have no target. So, the final result is the just "so-so".

Even though the worst grade is B, but I feel like an idiot.

Why? I have been spending years, living away from home. With tons of assignments, coping with all nonsense rules and regulations that sometimes doesn't make sense at all, sleeping late, no tv on weekend etc. So the "so-so" results makes me want to die(theoretically). All the things I have to endure for five years, it doesn't worth it.

But, it wasn't too late to change. All I have to do is choosing the right course for me. Since, I am no good in math and physics subject I decided not to pursue further in that area. What is left for me is Biology or Language. But again, the stupid version of me came to interrupt. I keep thinking that it is a waste if I took language course instead of sciences after all these years that I spent in mrSm (yeahh, i purposely type the 's' in capital letter)

So, I applied to continue studying in matriculation as a back up plan. Since plan A which is to apply for JPA is crushed by the stupid me again. Why? Because I carelessly mistook the dateline for JPA application is actually the dateline for UPU application. So whoopsss, I missed my chance to get JPA. All thanks to me.

I start my matriculation life with full spirit. But the same problem came again. Since I have no target, I keep going on aimlessly. I keep struggling, keeping faith that I will find my future soon. But (again), life in matriculation is so stressful that I kept getting sick. Plus, I am so slow to understand math-hell-matics that it keep makes me frustrated. So once again I failed to get a better result. The once-excellent me had turn into the moderate-like-others me.

Frustrated. Depressed. Total failure.

So, with the moderate-matriculation result. I applied for local university to continue my degree.

The same problem come again. I can't find out what I want to be.
I don't have the slightest idea of what I love. So again, I pick out random course which sounds nice to me. And of course the course that have the little-est chance for me to encounter Physics and Maths again
Imagine that! Picking out courses that would determine who you are in the future like that!

Since I have nobody to refer to. No one older that can consult me. I ended up choosing something that I have little information about it.

But still, thankfully I got accepted into UiTM majoring in Data Communication and Networking.

Now, the real challenge begin again.

This course actually have more Math and Physics subject than what I have imagine.

Now, it's the second semester of my degree and I am still adjusting.

I am envious of my friends who are doing things that they love. At least they have the passion to make them go on. For me, I am trying so hard to cope.

I wanted to feel the same passion.
I don't want to be more useless than I am already now

I want to be that used-to-be-dependable daughter to mum and dad

I don't want to be ordinary.
Being a wallflower doesn't suit me at all.

Now, what I need to do is to find that one piece of puzzle to put my life together back like it used to be.

I know all this nonsense sounds like an excuse.
I hate it even more when I am acting like this.

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